Worried about sleeping well. Well then you’re definitely not going to sleeep well.

Worried about getting everything done.  Then you’re not going to get everything done.

Worried about your children.  They are bound to do something irresponsible, and without thinking.

What helps???  To change your frame of mind.  Not an easy thing.  Your focus should be on how you can relax and make sleep come more easily, choosing which things are the most important to get done, and accepting that children make bad choices and deal with it as they come. 

God does not want us to spend time worrying about things that have not happened or that we cannot control.  We need to give our worries over to Him.  He knows how to take care of it all.  The problem comes with how do we give it to Him. 

Matthew 11:28-30  Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Faith and Trust in the LORD.  That’s the answer.  It’s hard and as humans we’re used to fending for ourselves, because we keep trust guarded.  Even my son had a hard time trusting me last night.  I took a new way home from a restaurant and he said, “Mommy we CAN’T get home from here.”  I told him to relax and trust in me.  That I would get him home and not to worry. 

So now I have to take my own advice and trust in my Father and not worry, because God will get me home safely.  He does this for everyone, all we have to do is trust in Him and He will lift our burdens away  : )

Think about it – if you truly knew the things about motherhood that you know now, would you have become a mother?  Many of you, including myself, would still say yes because we love our kids with this amazing love.  However, truth be told, if God gave us the knowledge of all that we would have to become and do as mothers prior to the actual experience, therefore without fully knowing love of a child – we would tell God He’s lost his mind.  I know that statement is irreverent, but I think that is why motherhood is such a mystery.  God only allows us a glimpse of pieces of being a mom.  If He threw it all at us at once then we would implode. 

When the baby is born, God only gives you what you can handle and that is caring for that little, precious, beautiful life.  You bathe, feed, soothe, and love that child SO much.  Any need that the baby has – you meet it!  But then as the child gets older you are now responsible for more.  You are the keeper of life’s adventures.  You are called to mold this child into the person that they are supposed to be through discipline, life experiences, and interaction with yourself, your family, and others.  You are the lead CELEBRATOR!!!  And you are meant to do this job to the highest standards (your own).  You are the decorator, the baker, the present purchaser and wrapper, the inviter, and the host for all things celebratory (birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, end of year parties, etc).  While at the same time, you are the cleaner, organizer, driver, etc. of every day life for your family.

Whew!!!  What a jumble of balls to hold!  Thank God, He does not show us this picture of motherhood all at once.  We would take one look and run screaming.  But instead, gradually we learn through everyday experiences that God gives us – What it means to be MOM!

Now hold onto your pants because you’ll never believe this…. the meaning of mom is a constant flow and change.  Through your whole life this meaning is going to change.  Whether it is that you have another child and that throws in a new set of responsibilities, or whether it is just growing older and with each new year – what does my role as mom mean now?  Is it the feeder and driver of the soccer team or is it the support and love of grandmother?  Where are the boundaries now and what are the responsibilities?  How can I help my child be the best they can be?  

This is all the gift of motherhood.  God gave us this phenomenon and He allows us these special little glimpses of what it means to be mom.  Some days we want someone else to take over all the balls, but on those days give thanks that you have the privilege of the meaning of MOM.

I took a quiz today and the whole time I kept telling myself that I know this information, I read this information, then why do some of these questions look so foreign.  When I had completed the quiz I was not confident at all.  That is not me – I study and I know the information, but not today.  I don’t know what about the wording makes me confused, second guess, and just not sure of myself. 

I am trying to be a good student, wife, mother, and friend.  I think today, I cracked.  I just want to know am I in the right place.  I love going to school and having the intellectual conversation.  I love learning new information, I just feel like they’re moving at a pace that’s faster than I’d like.  The information that we’re learning is so intreguing and wonderful.  I just don’t like being force-fed such important information.  God is mysterious and wonderful, you should take small bites of information about Him,  savor them and ponder them.  Not just read until your eyes are crossed. 

I thought that seminary would be more learning, thinking, digesting, having critical thought about, and debate about the bible and other texts relating to it.  Right now I just feel like I am drowning in information that is pertinent  to the bible and our understanding of it.  I just want more time to connect with it.  I understand it, I just really want more time with the texts.  I don’t like to be rushed on information that I find interest in.

This statement was in one of my big books for seminary and it made me stop and write it down.  This is something that I struggle with in my own life in a variety of ways.  When you think about it, it’s totally true, why else would God give us free will.  So in application to my life it would look like this:

I don’t have to worry about  my health or the health of others around me because I do not need to be in control of that.  Of course when something arises, I need to be the one to spring into action.  But there’s no need for the incessant worry.

I don’t have to be in control of my children at all times.  Sometimes they need time to explore, develop, and act in their own curious and sometimes disturbing way. 

I don’t have to control the schedule in my life – I need to let flexibility in.  Now that doesn’t mean I can go all willy nilly with my school work, house work, and getting the kids to and from school.  But it does mean, if the dishes don’t get put away as soon as the dishwasher is done because the kids want to go for a walk, Oh well.  And if the unimportant information for school doesn’t get read then, Oh well.

I also don’t need to always have the best grade in my class or an “A.”  Just as long as my life stays well balanced with school, chores, time with family, knitting, time for hubby and friends.

I’m not God, so what on earth would make me think that I have to always, no matter what, be in control. Now I obviously know that my control issues are not going to be magically absolved, but I am hoping that this blog will help me to recognize what I am and who I could be, and move me in the right direction – to more freedom.  Thank you God for this time and inspiration for reflection.

For example,  I had a creative presentation to give on Monday.  This presentation included children’s blocks, the cardboard ones.  Well I had 25 blocks for 7 groups.  That wasn’t going to allow them to complete the activity asked of them.  Instead of freaking out, worrying, and running around trying to figure something out last minute – I prayed, relaxed, and let God.  I had just dropped the kids off at pre-school and I was walking out to my car (parked in a completely different place than I normally park) and there was a woman carrying in 2 bags full of the blocks that I needed.  She was donating them to the school.  So I asked the director if I could borrow them for the day and low and behold I had more than enough blocks for my presentation.

God is out there – He’s always listening and He always answers.  It may not be in the time constraints that you set, but He always answers.  I try to remind myself of this when I”m listening and waiting for an answer.  Often when I can’t hear Him well I turn up the volume – I read the bible.  It’s amazing what I can hear if I just turn up the volume.

In the front lobby was a young woman typing on her computer.  So after exhaustion of all other avenues to actually get things accomplished, I excused myself and asked her if there was any chance she would be willing to help me with my computer.  She was more than willing to help, however my computer decided that it was not going to link to the school system.  Oh, well – we started talking and guess what her name is “Terry”  I laughed and said, “figures.”  She asked why and I further explained, “My name is Theresa but some of my friends call me Terrie.”  She said her name was also Theresa and then she asked, “With an ‘H’?”  And I replied “Yup, there aren’t many of us out there.”  We talked for a while about different things and then she had to go to a meeting, but not before asking for my cell number and promising a future lunch out.

(WHAHOOOOOOO!  I made a friend!  My first day of school and I met someone who was actually interested in knowing me!)  That is what was going on in my head.

Things started to look up and seemed to fall into place.  The lady from the business office came back and I got the health insurance straightened out.  I called the professor who was supposed to give me the second benchmark and then met with her to take it.  I was able to stop by the bookstore and get myself one of those “I’m so proud of the school that I go to” sweatshirts.  Then I headed off to my first class…

My head was spinning, I was going to school to learn about the bible and all the wonders that it has in store for me.  Well instead, it seemed like everyone else in the class came with a plethora of knowledge already.  They are all different ages and from all walks of life, but they all seemed to have one thing in common – they knew more about what we were talking about than I did.  The professor was wonderful but she talked a mile a minute and I couldn’t find the verses in the bible fast enough.  It was slightly frustrating, but I am well equiped for next week.  I will be successful.  I know what I have to read and study.  I will print out the slides ahead of time and I will mark my Bible so I can flip to the proper section faster. 

Ok, can you say “exorcist.”  The only thing that would have made it more realistic would have been the pea soup.  I’m sitting by myself woofing down dinner, so that I have enough time to run and drop some of my million books off at my car.  While I’m sitting there chewing, I’m thinking…what am I doing here?…is this really where God wants me to be?…is God testing me, by putting me in a vulnerable space?…maybe I should switch degrees to masters of divinity so that I can have as long as I need to complete it, because it’s going to take me forever…what have I gotten myself into?…

The whole time I keep trying to remind myself of several things:  1) God does not give you more than you can handle   2) God has me here for a particular purpose and it is all part of His mysterious plan for me   3) God wants me to restore my communication with Him and being here I am forced to

My second class I walked into mortified because another student, who has it a different day said that the girl teaching it was strict and was requiring more for this pass/fail class than his regular classes.  Well, it was nothing like that.  We  had a different girl teaching the class and she was warm, kind, welcoming, and easy going.  She made it known that we would go with the flow and that this class was to help us with our writing and not stress us out.  She made me relax and the discussion was easy.  The end of my day was uplifting to my school experience and she even let us out early : )

I went home and vegetated with my husband and a bowl of ice cream (yum).  However, I did have to spend some time on the internet surfing for a bookbag that I would like.  I tried to not take a bookbag, but I learned yesterday that I cannot carry all the books and my laptop for my two classes because my shoulder wants to cry.  It was like some type of foreign workout – let’s see how many books I can carry without falling over either from pain or sheer weight.  Thankfully I didn’t and I survived but lesson learned – carry bookbag!

By 10:30pm my eyes were already trying to go to sleep without me, so off to bed I went.

This morning was stressful.  I ran around catching up on errands and getting prepared for my school, the boys school, Thomas’ birthday, and Christmas.  Yes I did say Thomas’ birthday and Christmas.  I have a small neurotic piece of me that feels the need to have things done and does not like to wait till the last minute.  Why stress yourself out later when you can stress yourself out now?  That’s my motto, brought to you by my mother.  Work, do, achieve, excell!!! 

How do I calm down?  How do I decompress and get my groove back?  I am oddly enough trying to do more.  I am trying to go back to school for my masters (hence the seminary chick name), I have been applying for youth pastor jobs, and knitting.  I am excited about all three.  Of course the knitting thing I’ve been doing for quite a while, but now I have more.  And of course when my worries get high and I’m afraid I always turn to God, The Bible, and of course Will and Grace.   What is your Will and Grace?

I got to knit.  It has been a while since I got a good block of time to knit (I have a confession – I’ve spent my knitting time buying jewelry for cheap on ebay).  Anyway, it was so nice to have my husband assist with the parental responsibilities without me asking.  It alleviated a lot of stress from me and allowed me to wind down after a very hectic week.  We spent some good quality family time together on the beach and Brian spent some good daddy time with the boys : )  He even took them for a sunset cruise on the Whaler (a small boat) and put them to bed.  It was great for me because I had the opportunity to knit and watch a movie all by myself.  Sometimes I just need some alone time. 

Today, the dog that Brian tries to give away at every opportunity, had a morning of seizures.  She has had them before so we knew what was happening, but they lasted much longer.  Brian (at my shrieking command), jumped up and ran Jenny outside (she loses control of her bladder when she has a seizure).  Then he sat with me and her as she continued to seize and petted her compassionately.  He got water for her to drink in case she was thirsty afterwards and he got towels for her to lay on, until she regained control enough to come back into the house.  I watched in total amazement as he showed her love in action – even though he does not like her.

That is a good lesson to learn.  God wants us to show compassion and love for others even if we do not like them.  That is how Jesus was with the people around him, especially sinners.  We have all sinned against others and against God and it is only through apologizing and forgiveness that we can continue to be Christ-like.

My husband this weekend has been my hero.  Without grumbling, grunting, or me asking – he has been compassionate, loving, helpful, supportive, and the man I married.  I really love him!

Some of the people had degrees from ivy-league universities, some were already pastors at their own churches, some were from other countries, and everyone was from different backgrounds (cultures, religions, races, etc).  It was a very exciting and intimidating place to be.  I have spent today suffering from anxiety, brought on by all the excitement.  I do not know how other people deal.  I am thankful for the new experience but then I worry about the classes and tests, but mostly the papers.  I do not know why papers freak me out, but they do.  It is the expectation of having to fill five, ten, fifteen pages with information that is pertinent to a particular subject and interesting and thought provoking all at the same time.  Does my brain actually contain thoughts worth reading about?  What happens if I have a crazy day with the kids and everything seems to go wrong (like this morning) and my brain turns to mush?  Then what?  My professor is going to look at me, judge me and say “How exactly did you get into this school?”

I keep trying to calm myself by saying that God will provide the words and the strength.  He would not have let me come this far to fail.  He wants good things for me and to continue His work in the world.  I truly believe that better knowledge of His Word will come by attending Palmer Seminary.  I know that it is the right place for me to be studying and God has led me here to do good things.  I am also very excited about all that God has in store for me, but giving up my control to the Lord, is hard.  Having full trust in the Lord, so that I do not have to spend precious time worrying is a struggle.  Faith is hard! 

People say you have to have Faith in God and Trust in Him.  I truly uphold this statement.  I have even given it as encouragement, but it is hard to apply it to my own life.  I struggle daily with giving my control of my life over to the Lord and just having faith in Him. 

So here I am at the beginning of my SEMINARY experience, having difficulty trusting in God.  Now that is just a little messed up.  I DO have faith that my journey through the seminary will help build a much stronger relationship with God.  One that I can easily hand my control over to Him.

Sometimes the simplicity of childhood strikes me as amazing, like when I watch my boys stare in wonder at a colorful kite flying high in the sky.  But, what makes them shove money in their bottom?  I would never dream of shoving random objects in holes in my body.  Now to be fair, I have made new holes in my body through piercings, which may seem obsurd to a child.  I love my children with the strongest love, but really what is going on in their heads.  They are so smart and figuring out things all the time and I marvel at their brilliance.  However, tonight was not one of those times for C.